you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize