He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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