my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
