what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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