She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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