When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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