I think my fart just growled at me.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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