My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
