I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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