life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
