I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
