I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
