On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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