It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
