Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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