remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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