wrigley field is MILF paradise
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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