I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
