i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
