Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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