Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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