the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
