Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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