I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
