ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
