He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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