The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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