It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
