I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
