I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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