Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
