I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
