I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Boobs are out for the taking
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
