o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
