I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
