i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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