So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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