"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize