Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
