I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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