I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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