my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
