Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
