Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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