My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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