maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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