He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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