u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
