Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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