talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
