K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
