he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
