Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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