I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
