Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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