I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
