i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
