Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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