Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
