Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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