Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
