Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
