I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
