we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
