If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
